My true Christian walk only started about 10 months ago and I have been so frustrated that I wasn't hearing from God. Is it because I am Gay and I am not afforded that opportunity? Am I kidding myself that God does even love a wretched Gay person like me? From talking to others in my Bible Study Group, some hardly ever hear from him and some took years, so why did I expect to get anything so soon? I just needed God to scream out loud to me with a clear voice, that despite being gay he truly loves me, forgives me and that he will work out the remainder of my struggles.
This week at church was a major turning point for me and I realized that God had been speaking to me all week. Last week in church, I decided to go up for prayer at the end of the service, to ask God to help me get over the last hump of my struggles. I won't go into detail here what those struggles are, but what used to be daily addictions for the most part went away when I started going to church back in October of 2012, but they seemed to still get at me once a week, and I just couldn't stop it all together. After my prayer, I was told by one of those whom had prayed for me, that they were inspired that I had jumped All In just a few short months after starting to go to church. And I told them, well it's not like I am doing that much that takes any real effort. Greeting people as they come in to church, willing to help out with a few other minor things.. Group Bible Study, a few days a month commitment to charity. Not really any effort..
It really got me to thinking, am I really All In ? If I was then I would be able to resist these final temptations and bear the cross as Jesus tells us to do.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?
Hence my first post that I went public with on Saturday before church on Sunday. I felt that I needed to start going public which would hopefully hold me accountable to start bearing that cross.
While on my way to church on Sunday, as always, I was singing my heart out to Christian music and the two first songs hit me hard... "New Man" by All Things New... and "Your Love" by Brandon Heath.. I turned off the radio and started crying uncontrollably that I hadn't done enough for all he has done for me and blessed me with.. I started screaming and pounding my steering wheel, "God God.. I am so sorry... I can do this, I can beat this, I have been to weak, I promise God to be All In". There it was again, for the third time this week. The words All In.. what gives?
Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
I arrive at church with tears in my eyes, walk in, say Hi to all my wonderful friends, sat in the front, in our usual seats with my best church buddies, and the worship starts.. Once again, the music was so powerful, tugged at my heart and had me crying thru the entire 30 minutes of singing out my heart again. Lifting my hands to God in his praise (never done that before, but something compelled me). The music was so powerful that I had to sing it all again in 2nd service.
So the sermon starts and mind you, I have no idea what the sermon is going to be. It starts and I sit there telling myself, You have to be kidding me.. What was the sermon you ask? "All In". I highly recommend a listen to the sermon here... Okay God, I get it. And I realized that God has finally spoken to me and I finally heard him clearly.
The sermon ends, the lights go down and we stand up for one last worship song.. Another tear jerker. Upon finishing, as always those who need prayer are asked to come up if they are in need of it. Our Pastor also asked, "If you have decided today that you are All in, I ask you to come up to the front and kneel before God and profess to him, that you are All In.... There I am in front of everyone down on my knees looking up, praying my heart out and crying to God that I am sorry.
Yesterday at church August 18th was a new beginning and was the most Powerful, Joyous, Transitional and defining day for me. It's much like a person in AA, whom always remembers their first day of sobriety, the day they were re-born into a new life.
Now mind you, if I fall again to my temptations which of course I have been thinking about all day today, but I refuse to give in and if I do, I have not lost the battle. I am, just as you are, forgiven.
But my promise to God was to not just give in, but to fight it off as long as I can and Bear that cross. I always heard that if you can fight an addiction for 30 days or something like that, the chain has more of a chance of being broken.
Nobody said that being Christian and following Jesus would be easy. Its easier to be of this world and do whatever makes you happy. How difficult do you think it was for Jesus to know that he was going to be ridiculed, spit on, beaten, whipped to a bloody pulp, then to have to carry that heavy piece of wood, thirsting for water as if in the desert for days, nailed to a cross, and stabbed with a spear while hanging on the cross? None of us could have done that, even for our closest family member... He did that for you, me and everyone that has ever lived or lives on this planet.
I will say it again as I did in my first post. If you are a gay man or woman. Your sin is no worse than any other, and every person is a sinner, and every sin is forgivable.
Every sin will lead to eternal condemnation Romans 6:23 . All sin, no matter how “small,” is against an infinite and eternal God, and is therefore worthy of an infinite and eternal penalty. Further, there is no sin too “big” that God cannot forgive it. Jesus died to pay the penalty for sin 1 John 2:2. Jesus died for all of our sins 2 Corinthians 5:21. Are all sins equal to God? Yes and no. In severity? No. In penalty? Yes. In forgivability? Yes.
Step in and get your feet wet. Not every church is a perfect fit for you, so search until you find the one that feels right. Once you find a church surrounded with loving people such as mine, you will start a journey that is beyond compare.
It will take a lot of asking questions, reading the bible and immersing yourself in the truth, but it is worth the ocean full of water that is about to surround you. You know how great that shower feels every morning? All that water surrounds and cleanses all the dirt from your past and refreshes you for a new day as is a new walk with an all loving God. Notice I say, "an all loving God" He is not full of wrath such as you have always been told. Taste & See that the Lord is GOOD...
Jesus is the only answer, the only truth and the only way to the light. I am not embarassed or ashamed to proclaim it.
John 14:6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
Just being a good person is not enough.. You must believe, proclaim it and try your darndest to follow in his footsteps. As long as you are moving forward in his direction, you have won the race. Your in my prayers.
Revelations 2:7
Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.
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