LOT of middle and high school. These are just my thoughts of the day, as crazy as they may be. Moving forward. Hallelujah.. God quite possibly still loves me even though!!!
I have been told by a special
Christian friend many times, that she see's me in the corner of a room
crying out to God. How could she possibly know this about me, without me
having talked about this with her?
It's as if she has a special
relationship with God that Jesus truly speaks to her and gives her
images as we are praying. It is so prophetic, as I can't tell you how
many times that I have literally
sat in a corner on the floor crying out to God so hard that my eyeballs
hurt until they feel as if they are bleeding and popping out of my
Jesus never promised any Christian that life on this earth
would be easy. But what most people don't understand is that it is that
much harder trying to integrate my identity of being gay with wanting to
be a good and faithful Christian. It just doesn't seem to fit in the
realm of Christianity these days.
At the time of this post, I have
been faithfully attending church for 11 months, and attending our Home
Bible Study Group for 9 months. Crying in church every Sunday at the
excruciating (which I believe derives from, "Out Of The Cross") death of
Jesus on the cross for me and all of humanity. Especially on the Sunday
of communion or sacrament, whatever it may be that your church calls
it. Everyone in church must think that I am a consistent nut case and
sinner. This day is the moment that has me shedding tears so hard,
knowing that I haven't done enough for his suffering for me. How can I
not even try to suffer for his sufferance. I try, but I keep giving in.
will admit that I haven't been faithful about studying the word (that
could be one of my main problems) or praying daily (Although I do talk
to God daily while taking the dog for a walk, driving in my car, etc... I
guess that is considered praying). But I don't feel connected to God or
filled with his Holy Spirit as I should. Is it because I am Gay with a
Gay Partner and due to that fact, I am not afforded the wonderful and
Holy experience that all others are able to participate in? Or is it
because I am still struggling with a few of my sinful stupidity's? I
want it to be known that just because I made it seem thru my last posts
that I was 100% healed, I didn't want to shield the truth, so if I did
the old backslide or fell, it should be known. There is no healing in
hiding the truth. It is a constant struggle.
I am trying so hard
to believe that Jesus loves us all equally. From my first three posts
you would think that I had gotten over this, but as most Christians, I
should understand that this is a daily struggle for a lot of us. But I
find myself still wondering that because I identify as a gay man, that I
am trying to walk in faith of a salvation that I cannot be a part of.
am constantly condemned for being gay, being told that I possibly chose
this lifestyle thru life circumstances, (maybe, but regardless this is
who I am, and I don't believe that at all) not being born this way, yet
God tells us that he knew who we were going to be before we were even
born. Truth be known, had I not met my gay partner of 13 years, and us
both coming to a dual decision together of following Christ 11 months
ago, I can truly tell you that I most likely would not be moving towards
a life of Christ. I would still be stuck in my old life
of terrible sin. So is it wrong for me to be gay and have a gay
Without that relationship, I would still be in a wretched state
of life of not moving forward. So please God or others of this world
don't tell me that I shouldn't have the right to be gay man. There is a
reason that God set my life up in this state as it is now. For
this very reason, I have been led to write a blog in the hope's of
witnessing to those in my life circumstances, to share my struggles, yet
my joy in moving towards a life in Christ. Yes, we will struggle, but
it's a journey to want to finally be forgiven and come back to God who
has always been calling us back to him. If we aren't moving forward
towards a betterment, then what is the meaning of this life right?
Is it as true and as simple as John
5:24 "Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who
sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over
from death to life"
If so then why do I keep
struggling with the fact that, Oh your gay, your still living of this
world of watching TV that corrupts your mind (although it doesn't change
my values, it actually makes me realize more and more what a messed up
world this is, and I do find myself recording more of the faith value
channels) your not reading my word every day, your not spending enough
time witnessing to others, not enough time helping those in need, your
not fighting your sins as you should if you truly love Jesus, etc..
mentality.... Is it just the stupid legalism that has been placed in my
head from previous religion and hearing the crap on TV? Am I truly
forgiven even though I don't contain all of these things? Just tell me
God.. Am I forgiven or not? Can somebody just sit down with me and truly
help me wrestle with this please? God? Can you shout out to me? I am
tired of crying out to you!!!!!
How do you not live of this world?
To be honest, I just don't understand what my fellow Christians do all
day? I get up and take my dog for a walk first thing in the morning when
I wake up (It helps that she jumps for joy for that special time of the
day with her dad), then I start delving into work until about 5 or 6 or
7 PM.. then I watch TV.. What do my fellow christians do all night and
weekend long? Sure I should read the bible every day, but I can't read
more than 15 minutes of anything before I get drowsy and need a nap...
then what? What the heck do you do the rest of the night? This must be
my problem with hearing from God and truly feeling the Holy Spirit of
God!!!! What fills the rest of your night? Am I not understanding the
full realm of not living in this world? And that's what keeps me from
hearing? "He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says"
enemy is constantly trying to defeat me/us. And although I repent of my
sins of the day, the largest sin I have committed today and this week
is the unbelief of his true word, and that I/we are truly forgiven. Why
can't I get that through my head?
is because of the constant beating of religion across this country and
the world that because I am gay, I am less of a person and that I can't
be forgiven; that I have crossed the line of God's forgiveness and that
Jesus died for all sins except for mine.. Could even the vulgar crimes
of a murderer, rapist, child/spouse abuser, kidnapper, child molester be
forgiven before me? Really? Even those in prison of vulgar crimes
can't forgive some of the aformentioned.
I need to keep reminding myself of having just studied Romans Chapter 1, that ALL
sins are equal. None is greater then the other. So that abortion you
had, that adulterous affair you had, that white lie that you told, your
arrogance, your greed, your slandering, etc.. is equal to mine.. and ALL ARE FORGIVEN!!!!!
guess the whole point of this entry into my blog, is that I have been a
little depressed this week of so wanting to hear from God and feel his
presence. Why do I doubt? Keep getting depressed about it? Is it a
special feeling that others receive? Or is it just a knowing? Should I
even expect it even though I am still sinning and gay? Please God.. talk
to me.. I need you so much.. My heart and soul wants it so bad.. To
know you, to hear you, to feel you, to know that you hear from me and
truly care about me!!!!!!!!
so want it with all my heart and soul, to have that special
relationship, true love and knowing his true forgiveness that so many
others in my church and home group feel every day and every minute of
Although I struggle, I never
thought that I would say, that Sunday is my favorite day of the week. I
look forward to it all week. I get such a high from worshiping and
praising our Glorious God that as soon as it is done, the week cannot go
fast enough for me to do it all over again.
I always have said, "Get your feet wet and step into the water deeper
and deeper until it cleanses your whole body with his Mercy and Grace
and washes you fully in his love".
Thanks!!! I want to say thanks to those from church whom have thanked
me for sharing my life and journey thru this blog with them. I so look
up to you all and you are all huge inspirations to me. Having heard some
of your stories, isn't it nice that we are all not alone and that we
all have life sores? You have no idea how much I so look forward to
seeing you all every week. (Hence the reason I can't stop talking to
everyone at church). I just can't get enough of you all. I strive to
have the faith in Christ that you all have. It gives me no greater joy
then to know that I have found the right place of joy and worship with
people whom truly care, forgive and love all others regardless of
lifestyle or brokenness...Coast Vineyard Rocks!!!!!!