I have been told by a special Christian friend many times, that she see's me in the corner of a room crying out to God. How could she possibly know this about me, without me having talked about this with her?
It's as if she has a special relationship with God that Jesus truly speaks to her and gives her images as we are praying. It is so prophetic, as I can't tell you how many times that I have literally sat in a corner on the floor crying out to God so hard that my eyeballs hurt until they feel as if they are bleeding and popping out of my head.
Jesus never promised any Christian that life on this earth would be easy. But what most people don't understand is that it is that much harder trying to integrate my identity of being gay with wanting to be a good and faithful Christian. It just doesn't seem to fit in the realm of Christianity these days.
At the time of this post, I have been faithfully attending church for 11 months, and attending our Home Bible Study Group for 9 months. Crying in church every Sunday at the excruciating (which I believe derives from, "Out Of The Cross") death of Jesus on the cross for me and all of humanity. Especially on the Sunday of communion or sacrament, whatever it may be that your church calls it. Everyone in church must think that I am a consistent nut case and sinner. This day is the moment that has me shedding tears so hard, knowing that I haven't done enough for his suffering for me. How can I not even try to suffer for his sufferance. I try, but I keep giving in. DAMNIT!!!!
I will admit that I haven't been faithful about studying the word (that could be one of my main problems) or praying daily (Although I do talk to God daily while taking the dog for a walk, driving in my car, etc... I guess that is considered praying). But I don't feel connected to God or filled with his Holy Spirit as I should. Is it because I am Gay with a Gay Partner and due to that fact, I am not afforded the wonderful and Holy experience that all others are able to participate in? Or is it because I am still struggling with a few of my sinful stupidity's? I want it to be known that just because I made it seem thru my last posts that I was 100% healed, I didn't want to shield the truth, so if I did the old backslide or fell, it should be known. There is no healing in hiding the truth. It is a constant struggle.
I am trying so hard to believe that Jesus loves us all equally. From my first three posts you would think that I had gotten over this, but as most Christians, I should understand that this is a daily struggle for a lot of us. But I find myself still wondering that because I identify as a gay man, that I am trying to walk in faith of a salvation that I cannot be a part of.
I am constantly condemned for being gay, being told that I possibly chose this lifestyle thru life circumstances, (maybe, but regardless this is who I am, and I don't believe that at all) not being born this way, yet God tells us that he knew who we were going to be before we were even born. Truth be known, had I not met my gay partner of 13 years, and us both coming to a dual decision together of following Christ 11 months ago, I can truly tell you that I most likely would not be moving towards a life of Christ. I would still be stuck in my old life of terrible sin. So is it wrong for me to be gay and have a gay partner?
Without that relationship, I would still be in a wretched state of life of not moving forward. So please God or others of this world don't tell me that I shouldn't have the right to be gay man. There is a reason that God set my life up in this state as it is now. For this very reason, I have been led to write a blog in the hope's of witnessing to those in my life circumstances, to share my struggles, yet my joy in moving towards a life in Christ. Yes, we will struggle, but it's a journey to want to finally be forgiven and come back to God who has always been calling us back to him. If we aren't moving forward towards a betterment, then what is the meaning of this life right?
Is it as true and as simple as John 5:24 "Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life"
If so then why do I keep struggling with the fact that, Oh your gay, your still living of this world of watching TV that corrupts your mind (although it doesn't change my values, it actually makes me realize more and more what a messed up world this is, and I do find myself recording more of the faith value channels) your not reading my word every day, your not spending enough time witnessing to others, not enough time helping those in need, your not fighting your sins as you should if you truly love Jesus, etc.. mentality.... Is it just the stupid legalism that has been placed in my head from previous religion and hearing the crap on TV? Am I truly forgiven even though I don't contain all of these things? Just tell me God.. Am I forgiven or not? Can somebody just sit down with me and truly help me wrestle with this please? God? Can you shout out to me? I am tired of crying out to you!!!!!
How do you not live of this world? To be honest, I just don't understand what my fellow Christians do all day? I get up and take my dog for a walk first thing in the morning when I wake up (It helps that she jumps for joy for that special time of the day with her dad), then I start delving into work until about 5 or 6 or 7 PM.. then I watch TV.. What do my fellow christians do all night and weekend long? Sure I should read the bible every day, but I can't read more than 15 minutes of anything before I get drowsy and need a nap... then what? What the heck do you do the rest of the night? This must be my problem with hearing from God and truly feeling the Holy Spirit of God!!!! What fills the rest of your night? Am I not understanding the full realm of not living in this world? And that's what keeps me from hearing? "He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says"
The enemy is constantly trying to defeat me/us. And although I repent of my sins of the day, the largest sin I have committed today and this week is the unbelief of his true word, and that I/we are truly forgiven. Why can't I get that through my head?
It is because of the constant beating of religion across this country and the world that because I am gay, I am less of a person and that I can't be forgiven; that I have crossed the line of God's forgiveness and that Jesus died for all sins except for mine.. Could even the vulgar crimes of a murderer, rapist, child/spouse abuser, kidnapper, child molester be forgiven before me? Really? Even those in prison of vulgar crimes can't forgive some of the aformentioned.
I need to keep reminding myself of having just studied Romans Chapter 1, that ALL sins are equal. None is greater then the other. So that abortion you had, that adulterous affair you had, that white lie that you told, your arrogance, your greed, your slandering, etc.. is equal to mine.. and ALL ARE FORGIVEN!!!!!
I guess the whole point of this entry into my blog, is that I have been a little depressed this week of so wanting to hear from God and feel his presence. Why do I doubt? Keep getting depressed about it? Is it a special feeling that others receive? Or is it just a knowing? Should I even expect it even though I am still sinning and gay? Please God.. talk to me.. I need you so much.. My heart and soul wants it so bad.. To know you, to hear you, to feel you, to know that you hear from me and truly care about me!!!!!!!!
I so want it with all my heart and soul, to have that special relationship, true love and knowing his true forgiveness that so many others in my church and home group feel every day and every minute of their lives..
Although I struggle, I never thought that I would say, that Sunday is my favorite day of the week. I look forward to it all week. I get such a high from worshiping and praising our Glorious God that as soon as it is done, the week cannot go fast enough for me to do it all over again.
As I always have said, "Get your feet wet and step into the water deeper and deeper until it cleanses your whole body with his Mercy and Grace and washes you fully in his love".
Special Thanks!!! I want to say thanks to those from church whom have thanked me for sharing my life and journey thru this blog with them. I so look up to you all and you are all huge inspirations to me. Having heard some of your stories, isn't it nice that we are all not alone and that we all have life sores? You have no idea how much I so look forward to seeing you all every week. (Hence the reason I can't stop talking to everyone at church). I just can't get enough of you all. I strive to have the faith in Christ that you all have. It gives me no greater joy then to know that I have found the right place of joy and worship with people whom truly care, forgive and love all others regardless of lifestyle or brokenness...Coast Vineyard Rocks!!!!!!
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